This a typical day four conversation that I have with a Health Conscious Female Client (HCFC)
CP: How are things?
HCFC: Switching to the meat and nut breakfast is doing wonders for my energy levels for the whole day, thank you. My bloating is gone, so are my mid morning headaches.
Can we talk today about what I should eat at the other meals?
CP: No.
HCFC: Why not?
CP: Because in relative terms, that is not the most important thing for now.
HCFC: What do you want to talk about?
CP: Your exercise program.
HCFC: Oh…that. Well…do you think it is possible to get in shape…training twice a week…at home?
CP: Lets me guess…you don’t have time to exercise 4 hours a week.
HCFC: Four hours a week, I would loooovvvve to have this luxury, but I don’t have the time.
CP: Lets get something straight Mother Theresa, you want a nice physique, it requires 4 hours a week. Anyone else who says you need less is a bullshit artist.
Lets me play psychic over here, you are super mom, or should I say super slave? Besides working 40 hours a week, you cook, clean, and do household work for the whole family?
HCFC: Yes (in a shamely tone)
CP: Tell you what. Any physicist worth his grain of salt will tell you that time and space are illusions, and that you can actually create time. And I will show you how to can create 5 hours of time just for you, while reducing your workload.
HCFC: Really? I have a hard time believing that?
CP: How many kids do you have?
HCFC: Three
CP: What ages?
HCFC: Moira 8, Billy 11, and Josh 13
CP: All right, from now on 8 year old Moira is C.L.O., chief laundry officer
HCFC: What !!!! She is too young.
CP: Does she own a iPhone?
HCFC: Yes, of course
CP: Then she has all the intellectual skills she needs to operate a washer and a dryer.
HCFC: What if something happens?
CP: Does she know how to swim?
HCFC: Yes?
CP: Worst thing that can happen is that she falls in the operating machine, just tell her to swim with the current.
HCFC: It is actually a horizontal one.
CP: There you go. You have nothing to worry about.
HCFC: What about the sorting?
CP: That is everybody’s responsibility. Get enough baskets to handle all the probabilities. If they put it in the wrong basket, they will do it only once.
HCFC: I don’t know if they can handle it.
CP: Don’t piss on my leg and tell me it is raining. Let me guess, each one of your kids has done that school project where you have to design a padded box to support an egg that you toss from the roof of the school and it must not break?
HCFC: Yes, they have all done it.
CP: So you are telling me, that they can rack their brains for a whole week to find a solution to that physics problem, and yet they can’t sort out the difference between blue jeans and a white t-shirt. Unless you married your brother, your kids have all the necessary intellectual skills to comply with that new rule.
HCFC: What if they screw up?
CP: They’ve screwed up, and learned from it. Enough said, you already got three hours made up for your exercise goals. What does your husband do around the house?
HCFC: It starts with the letter U.
CP: ????
HCFC: Uh-fuck-all!
CP: Classic. You are starting to sound like me. Put hubby on grocery shopping duty. You give him the following:
1. A grocery list with cute little check boxes besides each item
2. A pen
3. A kiss on the cheek, and a good luck wish
4. A kick in the ass to accelerate the process
Fairly simple isn’t it. He drives to the store, parks the car, does the groceries, come home. Voilà, at least another hour freed up.
HCFC: What about the oldest two kids?
CP: I am sure you can think of something they can do to free up time. The goal is to get to five hours.
HCFC: You told me four at the beginning of this consult.
CP: The fifth hour is for you to book a massage. You deserve it.
HCFC: I don’t know if I have the confidence to do this.
CP: If you want, we do offer a special service, payable only in cash, in a brown envelope. One our instructors is a former National Record Holder in the hammer throw, Derek Woodske. Huge tall dude. We put make up and a wig on him, he wears a bra with two halved cantaloupes in them. Organic, of course. We send him to your place. You tell your family that you just hired Über Nanny Helga Von Arschkickerfürprofien from the former East Germany. “Helga” has been known to put non-compliant people into vicious headlocks, and apply noogies to the skulls, and give the random wedgie. The most extreme that Helga went is to charbroil the husband face on the barbecue. Then again, that guy now, twice a week, wears a French Maid suit, and cleans all the toilets and showers with a tooth brush. To further increase the pressure, “Helga” listens full blast, the whole day, to David Hasselhof’s German pop hits. That is enough to crack 12 Navy Seals.
But before we send Helga, just empty your cupboards of all convenience, and go on strike for a weekend. By Monday, every body will be listening. Actually, if you tell them that it is time they help out, and you need the help, it will go just fine.
HCFC: Okay, okay, I get your point.
CP: Listen to me, you own a run a successful print shop. Using those same leadership skills at home does not make you a bad person. I will see you tomorrow and talk about your blood work, but before you must give your two take home points.
HCFC: Okay, okay, I get your point.
1. I deserve to train four times a week.
2. I am the boss, and not the slave.
Is Helga free this weekend?