This is how a typical first interview goes with an overwhelmed menopausal female (OMF).
CP: Good morning, how can I be of service?
OMF: Good morning, I need to help dealing with the 7 dwarfs of menopause.
CP: Enlighten me.
OMF: Ichy, Bitchy, Scratchy, Moody, Sleepy, Droopy and Bloaty.
CP: That reminds me of my mother 20 years ago. Don’t worry, you could turn all those negatives into a positive.
CP: Do you read you USA Today.
OMF: Yes. But not today.
CP: In this morning’s edition, President Obama has decided to replace 50,000 Marines with 10,000 divorcing menopausal women to find the remaining insurgents in the deserts of Iraq.
OMF: Really. Why?
CP: Divorcing menopausal women are ideal for the situation: they are five times more aggressive than men, they are great at digging up dirt, and they retain water much better.
Just kidding, you are probably here to help with restless sleep, hot flashes, irritability, depression, mood swings and all the other charming issues of going through menopause.
OMF: About time someone listens. What kind of diet and supplement program are going to put me on?
CP: Actually no diet. I don’t believe in them. I will eventually show you what to eat, and give you some supplements, but not today. Can you do me a favor?
CP: Do you drink wine?
OMF: Yes, of course!
CP: Every night I want you to drink one or two glasses of ONE of the following wines:
Pinot, Merlot or any Spanish wine.
OMF: Really!!! (sounding as excited as if I announced to her that a biker gang has castrated her ex-husband with a rusted can lid.)
CP: Because they contain large quantities of anti-oxidants such as Resveratrol. These have been show to be highly beneficial in supporting treatment of the symptoms of menopause,. Yes, you can buy it as a supplement from us, but I would rather you drink it for now.
OMF: I never heard this on Oprah!
CP: Can you do me another favor?
CP: Do you eat chocolate?
OMF: ….yes…? (looking sheepish)
CP: Great. Go buy some certified organic 70% Cocoa Dark Chocolate.
Buy in blocks, not in bars.
CP: I want you to eat dark chocolate, and you must follow the rules, which are:
1. You manually grate the chocolate, making into shavings.
2. You put it one shaving at a time in your mouth.
3. The chocolate must NOT touch the teeth.
4. The chocolate must melt in between your tongue and your palate.
OMF: Fine, but why no contact with the teeth?
CP: I don’t want you to devour the chocolate, I want you to appreciate it. The real reason being that we have something in the human body called the neurolingual reflex. When you put the chocolate in contact between the tongue and the palate, or any nutrient for that matter, the brain identifies rapidly where the nutrients have to go. This is not hocus pocus. This has been shown recently with MRI studies. Osteopaths have known this for over 120 years, but just figured out how to demonstrate it physically.
OMF: …and the point being…?
CP: Great quality chocolate contains anti-oxidants which are specific to the health of the uterus. When you eat chocolate that way, you benefit more from it. And make sure you don’t drink milk with it, as studies have shown that milk practically nullifies all the anti-oxidant benefits of all chocolate.
OMF: How much chocolate can I have?
CP: As often as you want, just make sure you stay under 100 grams a day.
OMF: And what else?
CP: That is it until I see you next Monday. What are your two take home points for today?
OMF: (1)Drink 1-2 glasses of the correct wines every day, and (2) eat great chocolate to make my uterus happy.
CP: Exactly, see you Monday.