Today, we are looking at our fifth interview with your typical 19-year-old-skinny-know-it-all-twirp who comes into the gym limping like he got stampeded by the bulls in Spain.
CP: Lets do your BioSignature to see what 3 days of real eating and 2 real workouts have done for you.
After doing BioSignature:
Okay, your bodyfat has gone down from 17% to 15.4% You weigh basically the same, 61.2 kg b and lean body mass has gone up about 2 kg.
SKITAT: You are trying to tell me that I have gained that much muscle.
CP: Listen to me, crosseur de poules mortes, I said lean body mass, not muscle mass. When changes occur that rapidly, in the initial changes in program design and nutrition, we can safely say that probably 50% or so of the lean body mass gained is muscle tissue, the rest coming from things like connective tissue, and bone mass.
SKITAT: You have not given me any testosterone boosters, any cortisol blockers, insulin mimickers. Why are you holding back on me?
CP: First and foremost, to build quality muscle you need great food. For twirps, I work on food first. For fat bastards, I do the opposite, since they are all depressed, I use supplements to get them out of depression. Since most 19 year olds have the attention span of a fruit fly on crack, I'm going to restate that:
For twirps, I work on food first. For fat bastards, I do the opposite, since they are all depressed, I use supplements to get them out of depression, so it becomes easier for them to make the right food choices.
Getting a depressed person to follow dietary advice is like trying to get Sarah Palin to understand grade school geography, or to understand the concept that Jesus Christ did not speak English.
When asked about manual labor, Palin answered “ I never had the chance to meet the President of Mexico, but I will as soon as I get my first ever passport”.
SKITAT: My cousin wants to train with me, but he cannot afford the supplements, will he make gains?
CP: Please understand razmaznya, that it is the training stimulus that contributes the most to the gains, not the dietary structure.
Go to any federal prison, there are plenty of large men, who subside only on 3 square meals a day, of not the best quality food, and during their vacation at “Club Fed”, gain plenty of muscle mass. They bust their asses in the gym, that it is what makes him grow. The brother of one of my Olympic athletes went to “summer camp” weighing in at 54 kg, at 181 cm of height. When he went in, they got him off cold turkey from his heroin addiction, went he came out 18 months later, he was a lean muscular 117 kg. At that new muscular bodyweight he recycled himself into the ‘assets retrieval’ and “dating service” businesses.
SKITAT: “Assets retrieval” and “dating service”. Wow that is effective rehab!
CP: Translation: he was collecting money for the mob and was a pimp.
SKITAT: I get it.
CP: Point being nitik, if you work hard in the gym, and you consume enough good food, you can grow muscle without supplements.
In my opinion, a motivating training partner, and a well designed program, will do more for strength and mass gains, than any sophisticated supplement program. I see it all the time at seminars. I see guys who know chemistry front to back, ask great questions, and yet have the physique of 11 year old stamp collectors. When I see them train at lunch time, as they say in Hungarian, they have the intensity of a butterfly’s fart. Watching them train is as inspiring as taking Valium for pre-workouts snacks.
Of course, I could put you on loads of supplements if you want, but it will never match was good food can. You can tell your cousin not to worry about it.
SKITAT: I saw on a bodybuilding board, from one of your trainers, that you were contradicting your own advice. He said that you only give 10 licks of a dried prune for carb intake, for people who are above 10%.
CP: The exception confirms the rule. That carb rule is good for obese people or athletes who need to lean out fast. You, have the muscle mass of a dehydrated asparagus, and the testosterone production of vegan Catholic church mouse.
You can a high percentage of bodyfat for two reasons:
1) A lot of fat
2) Very low muscle mass. You have none muscle mass at his height. I have actually seen bigger arms on a chair. Therefore, in my experience, the quickest way for you to drop your bodyfat is too allow yourself. to recover from workouts. I used the carbs to shift your cortisol/DHEA ratio in the right direction, and to allow serotonin to build up in the evening, for enhanced sleep quality.
Here is a tip to increase serotonin and drop cortisol. Go see the movie “The Other Guys” with Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg, you will laugh so much that it will make you anabolic.
Now if you were 17% body fat but weighed 110 kg at your height, the dietary approach would be much different, but then your goal would not be building mass. Everything has to be taken in context. So no need to get your panties all bunched up.
SKITAT: Okay then, why don’t you give me carbs pre-workout so I can have energy?
CP: Mamenkin sinok, do you prefer a four knuckle punch to the Adam’s apple, or a hook kick to the cervical spine?
SKITAT: (Pupils are dilating, sweating profusely from the temples, swallowing saliva, and have uncontrollable tremor in the knees) Sorry if disrespected you Sensei, what is wrong?
CP: There is a good time and a bad time to take carbs. Pre-workout you want to avoid them as much as possible. What you want is to have drive while you train. For that you want two things to help you out dopamine and acetyl-choline, who are the two neurotransmitters that maximize training drive. When you consume carbs, you raise insulin which raises serotonin, the happy chemical. You go to the gym to get stronger, not to make friends slizniak.
Are we clear? What are your two take home points for today?
1. Training is what makes you really grow, especially if you have a great training partner.
2. Check my facts before I debate you.
CP: Don’t get in a battle of wits with me, you are ill equipped.
Glossary of insults
Crosseur de poules mortes: French-Canadian slang, means wanker of dead chickens, meaning worthless character that does not nothing productive
razmaznya - Russian for wuss, candy ass
nitik - – Russian for whiner, wet blanket, sissy
mamenkin sinok - – Russian for mama's boy, spoiled brat, molly, sissy
sliznyak – Russian for sour puss, sloppy ass
*** Thank you to our Russian translator Anna Kondrat for supplying all of today’s Russian insults.