Today we have a new client, a 28 year old mother of 3 kids, 18 months, 4 and 7 year old. Just started the divorce procedures, she comes in for help getting her health and fitness back.
CP: How can I help?
EM: I am thoroughly exhausted. I am so tired, that I was issued the first Quick Pass at Starbucks.
CP: Enlighten me!
EM: You just swipe your Quick Pass at the post at the drive through, by the time I pull up it is all ready, and already paid for.
CP: Every body is trying to save time, reminds me of the drive through funeral parlors you find in Ohio.
CP: How do your kids sleep? (I bypassed the “how do you sleep’?, experience prevailing)
EM: Actually they don’t sleep well. Terribly is better put.
CP: Let me guess, your kids join you in bed in the middle of the night?
EM: Yes, they do. And the youngest one must dream every night that he is Jet Li, he front snaps kick me in the kidneys all night. It was funnier when he used to kick my soon to be ex-husband in the scrotum…for me anyways…
CP: Do they have a night light?
EM: Yes they do.
CP: Pull out the night light once they are asleep. Their pituitary gland cannot do its job properly if there is any light in the room. Hence, they don’t go through normal sleep cycles and wake up in the middle of the night.
EM: What if they wake in the middle of the night?
CP: They won’t. They wake up because there is a night light. Unplug it 30 min after they are asleep. They will do just fine. Are they agitated around 6 PM?
EM: Aren’t all kids agitated around 6 PM?
CP: No, not if they are fed properly.
EM: You are saying I am a bad mother?
CP: No, I am saying that we need to make some adjustments which will help you and them in wonderful ways.
EM: I am sorry, I feel like I am coming out of my skin.
CP: You are stressed out of your mind, and it is normal that you just thought about scraping the inside of my nostrils with a potato peeler. Because:
1) You are not sleeping
2) They are not sleeping, so they are irritated
3) Which drives you insane, which they pick up on.
4) Which makes them edgy, and they don’t sleep well…you get the drift.
EM: I drink too much coffee.
CP: I am recovering Catholic, so don’t use guilt on me or yourself. I am now immune to guilt. Lets keep on topic here: making your kids sleep.
EM: I have ADD.
CP: Woah! Woah! Woah! I figure that one really when I read your intake forms. The topic NOW is getting your kids to sleep, so you can sleep. Stay with me.
EM: I am sorry.
CP: After their bedtime bath, put 2 squirts of
Topical magnesium on their feet. Will knock them out faster than a Mike Tyson uppercut. And you will put 4 squirts behind your knees.
EM: Don’t I need to get them blood work before they use that stuff?
CP: The odds they are magnesium deficient are 3237%, all right? That is a percentage that is even higher than Pro Muskel Tek’ Dianavol Super Mega Blast Twister creatine effect on muscle growth.
EM: What if they are NOT deficient?
CP: They will have loose stools in the morning. Odds of that are about as good as Obama and Rush Limbaugh agreeing on immigration policy. I have never seen an American child with a normal magnesium level, even in wealthy well educated families that shop only at Whole Foods.
EM: Why is that?
CP: Quality of the soil nowadays. Actually in the last nine years I have never seen a first time client with normal magnesium levels. My athletes always tell me that their team doctors are amazed at their red blood cell magnesium levels once they return to camp after being with me for 4 months.
EM: What else should I do?
CP: Nothing for now. Start tonight and give me the feedback on Monday. You will see results by tomorrow morning.
What are the two key points to take home?
EM: 1. I am a lousy mother and… Do you know if Elton John is coming to Boston?
CP: The topic is “What are the two key points to take home?”
EM: I can’t remember.
CP: Allow me to write it down for you:
1. Turn off the night lights 30 minutes after they have fallen asleep.
2. Put topical magnesium on their feet and yours 30 minutes before bed.
Here is some even better news, the magnesium will help with your ADD. The way it works, is that it will lower your stress hormones. When stressed, the hippocampus portion of your brain, actually shrinks which affects memory.
Since magnesium lowers stress hormones, the hippocampus gets a chance to regenerate itself. See you Monday.
EM: Elton John is coming to Boston on Monday? Sorry… I was tuning out.