The response to the blogs has been phenomenal. Thanks to all of you who share them across the World. Today we are going to look at the typical executive that comes in to my office for a consult.
This executive has such rampant estrogens that he now squats to pee, and has substituted shopping for ice hockey night. To conserve his identity, we will just call OFME for Over Feminized Male Executive.
CP: Where are you from and what do you do?
OFME: Originally I am from Saskatchewan, but I am know the major partner in a law firm in downtown Toronto.
CP: Saskatchewan? That province is so flat that if your dog runs away from home, you can see it for a week.
How can I help you?
OFME: I have not been taking care of myself, I just turned forty, feel like I am eighty. I actually feel lousy, all day, can’t sleep, I actually like Christmas more than sex…because it happens more often.
CP: There is something I don’t understand.
OFME: What is that?
CP: I met your wife in the waiting room, she is beautiful, and your face looks like a punched-in meat loaf, your body is so bloated that it could be featured in an ad for PMS pills, and you sport a pair of breasts that could be used in Victoria Secret ads. Did she lose a bet or something?
OFME: Hey, it is not that bad, since New Year’s eve, I have dropped 20 lbs.
CP: Looks like you only dropped them half way!
So to recap, your two main goals are 1. Increased vitality 2. Increased sex drive.
OFME: That would be right.
CP: That would be expected from your BioSignature scores. You are highly estrogenic, and have the testosterone count of Catholic church mouse. That is consistent with your blood work. Your DHEA sulfate is non existent, your estrogens are higher than a post-pubescent cheerleading squad watching a Brad Pitt movie, your homocysteine and C-reactive protein could propel a satellite.
OFME: How long will it to take to return to normal?
CP: If you are consistent and do your homework, about 15 weeks would be the average. Your body fat is 23%, so if you want to be 8%, at one percentage point per week, that makes it 15 weeks.
OFME: Hey, I am a lawyer, I don’t want to switch careers to fitness modeling. Getting to 15% would be good enough for me.
CP: Mediocrity is the highest form of selfishness. Any self respecting male above 8% is a walking Porky Pig.
OFME: Okay, what about 10% body fat as goal?
CP: You really are a lawyer, aren’t you? Listen to me Janet, we are going for 8% or you can go that to your gym and do stiff-legged squats on the Bosu ball, and you will still cry after sex.
OFME: My name is Jonathan, not Janet.
CP: At 18 mm on the pectoral skin fold, you might as well change your legal name to Janet. And I will starting calling Janethan once you get below 10mm. At 3 mm, you get called Jonathan. Until then, I call you by any female name
OFME: All right asshole, what is the first step.
CP: It is Coach Asshole to you. Now tell me how you eat.
OFME: I eat well.
CP: (Rolling on the floor laughing). You eat WELL? Lets face it, you are shaped like a Perrier bottle sporting droopy tits. Obviously “eating well” is not working for you is it?
Lets start at looking at your “wonderful” diet and lifestyle.
OFME:
6 AM: Wake up
6:15: Breakfast
1 bowl of Cherrios in skim milk
2 pieces of whole grain toast with margarine
1 cup of decaf coffee with non-dairy creamer
7:30: Workout @ club
Start with 30 minutes of cardio, then 30 minutes of weights
9:00: Start work at law office
10:30: Cereal bar & decaf coffee with non-dairy creamer
13:00: Lunch with clients, usually a chicken sandwich on whole grain bread
16:00: Soy protein shake
19:00: Get home, have dinner, usually chicken with vegetables, and Tofutti for dessert
22:00: Evening snack: whole grain bagel with low fat cream cheese, and a banana
1:00: Go to bed.
CP: Wow, you really like bugs, rodent hair, rodent urine, and rodent droppings to be part of your diet!
OFME: What!!!?
CP: Yes, they are found in microscopic levels in whole grains.
OFME: Bullshit!
CP: Read any trade journal from the food industry, and will find out how dirty flour is. For example, one side of the wheat grain has a deep groove in it. That deep groove collects microbes and dirt that makes it impossible for the whole grain to be completely cleaned. You are from Saskatchewan, you know what happens after the grain is harvested?
OFME: It is stored in silos.
CP: What likes to live in silos Lucy?
OFME: Insects, mice, and host of other rodents. So there is plenty of time for the grain to be laced with hair, urine, and droppings by the time it reaches the mill.
CP: That right Mary! Which explains the bacterial content of that nice flour of yours.
And of course, I am not even counting the fungicides, pesticides, herbicides residues that found its way in during the growth of the plant, and of course all the chemicals put in them to extend the shelf of the flour.
OFME: F@#k, this is depressing.
CP: Merely enlightening Susan. Once you sport a six pack instead of that keg you are bearing, you will laugh about this.
We need first to do an HCL test on you . .if you're not digesting things, you're wasting your time . .or should I say "waisting".
Lets get started, here are 28 Digest Force pills to test your HCL levels. Read this article, it will tell you how to do the test.
OFME: What about my diet?
CP: Mavis, you are not ready to handle the truth.
Before they leave clients are required to give me two points that they are taking home, which are for you?
OFME:
1. You will stop calling me female names once I get rid of my man-boobs.
2. Mediocrity is the highest form of selfishness. Any self respecting male above 8% is a walking Porky Pig.
CP: Good. Do the test, we will talk on Monday.